I want it all.

Okay, so we're on entry number 3, and I'm already feeling a bit uncomfortable about the content in which I'm about to disclose.  It's a VERY touchy subject for me (and my husband), but I'm hoping that putting it all out there will be somewhat therapeutic.  Also,  this is probably the 1,890,678,443rd blog posting about this very subject on the Internet to date.

Let's talk about working moms versus stay-at-home moms. I worked full time until I was 37 weeks pregnant with Sofia.  40 hours a week.  The plan was for me to take my allotted 12 weeks maternity leave and then return to my full time job.  That did not happen.  Through a series of unfortunate events, I did not return to work.  I stayed home with Sofia until she was 13 months old.

I'm not going to lie.  Looking back, like every new mom out there, the days leading up to my impending return to work were filled with fear, anxiety, and, in my case, full blown terror.  Maybe it's the control freak in me.  Maybe it's the ABSOLUTELY OVERWHELMING desire need to nurture those who surround me.  Yeah, combine that pre-existing overwhelming need with a new baby, and whoa. How could I possibly leave her for so many hours a week?   It wasn't just that I wanted to be home with her.  I was terrified of daycare.  Those places were hotbeds for the swine flu, right? (In Sofia's baby book, when it asks about what was going on in the world at the time of her birth, I have swine flu written in all the blanks.  Remember that? It was ALL that was on the news, ALL of the time. The day that I was induced, I was scheduled to have my vaccination and horrified when I was told to go straight to the hospital and I could not go get my shot.)  And not just the rabid disease, but what if they didn't feed her? Or they let her go too long with a dirty diaper? And, gasp, what if she didn't know I was her mommy when I got home? 

Now, I know these things are RIDICULOUS. Trust me.  Nonetheless, I breathed a little bit easier when I knew that I would be able to extend my time at home with my baby.  So, I stayed home with Sofia for the first year of her life.  Then my mom retired (read: free part time childcare), and I had reached the point where I was READY to go back to work.  So the stars aligned, and I went back to work part time. It's been great.  My mom loves the time she gets to spend with her granddaughter and I'm very comfortable with that set up.  I like being around adults a few days a week. It is perfect for me.  I still have time at home with Sofia, so I can plan special outings with her. We can shop together. I can stay on top of housework, groceries, and even go to the gym during the non-crowded hours.  Financially, we were able to scrape by when I was at home full time (and unemployment was a great supplement).  Now, the part time wages are enough to keep us... okay.

My husband has a great job that he's REALLY good at.  If I didn't have the taste that I did and the penchant for decorating and furniture that I do,  and we didn't just buy our own home last year, his income alone could suffice.  But, we want more.  And, now that number 2 is on the way. We NEED more.  We need want nicer cars.  Eventually, we want to move out of this starter home and into a nice home. 

If you follow me on Facebook, you may know that, upon the announcement of my new pregnancy, I was subsequently terminated.  So here I stand with the world at my feet.  I've been thinking that it's time to put Sofia in daycare, at least a couple days a week.  I feel like, at this point,  I'm shortchanging her of the experience that most well-adjusted toddlers get she NEEDS that social interaction, and quite frankly, I think she'd have a blast.  Furthermore, why would I not go back to work full time? It's MORE MONEY PEOPLE!

Here's why. I'm terrified.  I honestly don't feel like I can physically do it.  Oh, and let me insert the disclaimer here:

I have friends that have several children and work full time. In fact, they make it look easy.  I envy them.  I WISH I could do that.  I don't know how they do it.  And, I'm pretty sure they hate when people say that.  If I have offended any of you amazing hard-working full time moms, I'm SO SINCERELY sorry.  That is not my intent at all.  My intent is to express my own disability to accept that I will have to do this.  *END DISCLAIMER

How will I prepare dinner each night? And go to the grocery store? I'll get home just in time to play with Sofia for an hour or so, and then get up and do it all over again. And the laundry? Holy hell, the laundry.  My weekends will be filled up with these things alone! Then, how will we go to museums and festivals and birthday parties?  Can you see the panic here? And for the love of Ben Affleck, I'm just going to miss the living daylights out of my daughter.  There. I said it.  And I haven't even mentioned spending time with my husband, or caring for the new baby.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I'm a logical person.  Like I said in the disclaimer, I know TONS of women that do this.  And they're probably cursing my spoiled ass right now.  My mom worked full time my entire childhood,  and I never, ever remember being mad at her for that.  I think I was probably upset a few times if I wanted something that we couldn't afford.  But, she just went and worked more so I could have it. 

In my mind, it keeps coming down to the battle between love and money.  Quality versus quantity. This will be an ongoing struggle for me.  That's what this all about though, right? Ideally, I will find an amazing job that I LOVE, and they think that my being pregnant is like the most adorable, profitable thing they've ever seen, and I will feel fulfilled in all aspects of my life.  And, maybe some of this can be chalked up to "new baby jitters" or "early pregnancy EXHAUSTION".  My previous post was about one of the hardest times in my life, and I got through it.  So, I know I will get through this and figure it all out.  But, not without over sharing with you.